Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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