you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
