I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
