glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
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Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
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Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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