I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
