# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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