man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
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