That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I supernannyed him into submission
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