He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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