Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
