all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
