Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
