In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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