In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
