someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
