And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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