That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
