my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
