the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
