Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
