you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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