Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
