If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
