Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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