so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
