yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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