You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
