Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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