i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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