Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
