1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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