I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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