The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
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"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
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He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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