Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Even my vagina gasped.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
