matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
