the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
