mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Randomize
