when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
two words...techno handjob
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize