So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
