they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
