She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
