Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
