why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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