she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
