God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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