Will you blow on my dice?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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