he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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