Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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