Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
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why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
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Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
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