I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
