maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
