My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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