she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
